Scars

The beginning of the year has been a blur. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting of course, but I also feel like it’s been a bit of a honeymoon. I am just so grateful that I don’t have to deal with the issues I was dealing with last year. I have a whole new fresh bunch of children, and it’s just been so refreshing. And yet…

The scars are beginning to show their face. My literacy coach, a woman on whom I’ve depended for years came into my room last week to observe my lesson, as she always does. Instead of enjoying her extra set of eyes and ears and the conversation about how to improve my practice, my sweaty palms and racing heart revealed the true state of my heart. Likewise, my principal sent a totally innocuous e-mail a few weeks ago, one I would have been totally fine receiving two years ago that sent the rest of my evening spiraling in a fit of e-mail checking to see if she had responded to my reply. 

My literacy coach is kind enough and wise enough to know and understand that this is totally not about her. It’s all about me and the baggage I carry from last year. She knows she was often the messenger for some hard conversations, and she knows that there’s some serious healing left to be done. I am so grateful for someone with that perspective. 

Still, it’s frustrating to know that healing takes time. It takes time, and (I believe) it takes prayer, and if modern psychology has anything to say about it, it’s going to take a lot of positive messages to fill me up before I let go of the negative ones that dominated my year last year. I’m glad I didn’t quit after last year, I think then I would have just felt defeated, but even now it’s hard to imagine doing this forever. I’m expending so much emotional energy battling the scars that the last two years left behind and its not yet invigorating, just completely exhausting. I wish it was different. I wish last year never happened. I wish I wasn’t left to battle the scars it left behind. 

I hope it will get better.

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